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I'd Set Your Heart On Fire.. [entries|friends|calendar]

I'd set your heart on fire but arson is no way to make a love burn brighter. (When you saw me, on that first day said I'd blossom under your care). Always thought that the devil was the only one who knew the ins and the outs of the ways of love, so I sold off my heart to see how this would end, now I can't move an inch for fear it will begin. (Wrap me up tight inside your wing Is it safe now, is it safe to breathe?) You come in between me and the darkness, please don't ever leave. (I force my eyes open, and now who has changed? You look different, so different today) Holding your eyes in the hardest stare running around like you wanted me there Lookin' at me like I'm the hottest in town then turnin' your back when you're movin' around I ain't gonna listen to you no more breakin' outta this place throwin' open the door Use me up just to fan the flame but you'll be sorry as I'm walkin' away (Backwards, forwards going out of my mind, spinning way off time Fire to water baby's putting me out) You're the truest light I've known, but someday I'll learn I don't need your fuel to burn. I'm the one who decides who I am I'm the one who will shed this old skin) Always thought that hell was the only place hot enough to melt our hearts into a locked embrace There's something so safe about a lack of air the only way to make sure that you'll always be there (I force my eyes open, and now who has changed? I feel different, so different today) <3sleater-kinney<3

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1 year, 6 months [

Feb 8 - 3:04 pm]
[ mood | happy ]

Still together. Imagine that!

burn don't freeze

meeeeeee! [

Oct 26 - 12:20 pm]
I figured myself out today. Well, actually, it's more like I fnally discovered the reason for my extreme personality change. I've always known, but I just needed the logic explained to me in such a way that I could back up my thinking. Lately, I've realized I really have very few interests and things I actually enjoy doing. I am completely in love with my boyfriend and I enjoy my time spent with him doing whatever activities he's interested in for the most part.. not because I'm a pushover, it's just that I've become overly passive. I do like video games, and bowling, etc. so I don't tend to complain about it because I enjoy being with him so it doesn't matter. It just sucks because I can name so many things he enjoys, and some he has a passion for, and when try to determine what I LOVE to do.. I just can't come up with anything. So, that being said, looking at the past I used to really love art and being creative, and I also enjoyed writing. Today in abnormal psychology class my teacher happened to be talking about bipolar disorder and manic depression, which I was diagnosed with years ago, and she made the comment that many artists realize that they are afflicted by the disorder, but they don't pursue treatment because they create some of their most amazing works during manic episodes. For some reason, this statement just hit so close to home because I remember many times being in the manic state and those were the times that I had the most free flowing creativity and enjoyed my artistic endeavors the most. I'm not trying to say that the mania was completely a positive thing though, because the other times I remember being in a manic phase were when I was out having "fun"--which meant I was doing anything and everything I felt like doing at the moment. I was impulsive and carefree, I didn't care about the consequences of my actions, and I always felt like I was special and amazing. I still think I'm amazing, but if you look at the things I have to back it up and actually agree with me than either you really like me or you're just being polite to avoid my wrath. Anyway, I've realized over time that there is a HUGE difference in my self esteem level in and out of manic episodes; it's one thing to love yourself, but it is completely another to truly believe you are the most unique person to have ever walked the earth..and act like it too. So, today, while I was thinking about why I don't seem to have any interests anymore, I realized that ever since I've been feeling emotionally and mentally stable I've stopped trying new things as much and haven't pursued things I used to enjoy either. It's almost like I've become completely paranoid because I can finally look at the events that unfolded in the past few years and see them for what they actually are--which is pretty scary all in itself. The things I used to "enjoy" doing were almost always reckless and spontaneous. Spontaneity was a key feature of my personality back then, mainly because it sounds a lot better than calling me an impulsive risk taker, but also because I was capable of dropping everything to do pretty much anything I was asked to do because in my mind it was always an adventure. When I look back now I just think I was being stupid, wild, crazy, etc. Anyway, ever since I've evolved into this new person, I am extremely cautious of everything and afraid of change. I used to thrive on change and now I'm too paranoid to leave my stable life or alter my routines. Maybe I'm overcompensating for all the bad decisions and lack of judgment in the past by overthinking the consequences of every little thing, but as much as I miss the "way things used to be", I don't think I could ever go back to that life and be happy. There are so many reasons why I am afraid of a lot of things, and I think they're good ones, but I can't let the past hold me back from having a life in the present and the future. I've decided that since I am officially happy with the way my life is right now in most aspects I should try to expand my horizons without going overboard like I used to. It's just scary how much the description of mania characterizes me, and even scarier that I knew it all before but my mind interpreted it completely differently. A few examples would be the fact that people in a manic state tend to over indulge in things like spending huge amounts of money and being promiscuous--I think it may even explain a lot of the reason why I went through an eating disorder and the extremes I went to because in my own mind, during the euphoria of mania, I felt like I was capable of anything I put my mind to. Realistically, I'm sure it's possible to have the same feelings outside of mania, but without it, I doubt many people really feel utterly invincible. For a couple years, while I was taking medications for depression I noticed I was slowly changing and becoming less aggressive. It went from a phase where I felt passive but still did crazy things because I just didn't care, to the way I am now, which is overly paranoid, but, the difference is I actually care now, and that means a lot. I care about myself, my health and my well being, and I can see clearly now that in the past I was being completely self destructive. It took the downward spiral and finally hitting rock bottom to realize I had no future living that way. I feel a lot better now, I've been off medication for a long time, well besides adderall--which is another story in itself because it's the only drug I've ever found myself addicted to, and I think it's because it gives me the euphoric feeling that closely resembles mania at times-- and I'm trying to get my life back still. I'm no longer depressed, and I feel like I've made a lot of big steps towards improvement lately that should leave me no reason to be sad anymore, even though it's true that the most accomplished and admired people in the world still get depressed at some point, but as for me, I think my current life is not too far off from perfection. For one thing, I'm in college and I actually have an idea of what I want my major to be. Secondly, I just got a great new job and actually impressed them at the interview. Finally, I just feel like a lot of things are coming together and even though I can still improve, I'm happy where I'm at for now. As cheesy as it sounds, I'm hopelessly in love with my boyfriend, Corey, and I just feel amazing and happy in a way I've never felt before in my entire life and I couldn't ask for anything else. =)

p.s. Yes, I still hate paragraphs and suck at organization. lol.
Read 1 burn don't freeze

Let's see [

Oct 11 - 5:07 am]
I'm in love.

Yeah, that's it. =]
burn don't freeze


Aug 30 - 12:16 pm]
This time I'm serious.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Read 2 burn don't freeze


Aug 18 - 7:13 pm]
fuck. =]

how's that for an update?
burn don't freeze

just thinking. [

Mar 28 - 12:28 am]
It was in the march of the winter I turned seventeen
That I bought those pills
I thought I would need
And I wrote a letter to my family
Said it's not your fault
And you've been good to me
Just lately I've been feeling
Like I don't belong
Like the ground's not mine to walk upon
And I've heard that music
Echo through the house
Where my grandmother drank
By herself
And I sat watching a flower
As it was withering
I was embarrassed by its honesty
So I'd prefer to be remembered as a smiling face
Not this fucking wreck
That's taken its place

So please forgive what I have done
No you can't stay mad at the setting sun
Cause we all get tired, I mean eventually
There is nothing left to do but sleep

But spring came bearing sunlight
Those persuasive rays
So I gave myself a few more days
My salvation it came, quite suddenly
When Justin spoke very plainly
He said "Of course it's your decision,
But just so you know,
If you decide to leave,
Soon I will follow"

I wrote this for a baby
Who has yet to be born
My brother's first child
I hope that womb's not too warm
Cause it's cold out here
And it'll be quite a shock
To breathe this air
To discover loss
So I'd like to make some changes
Before you arive
So when your new eyes meet mine
They won't see no lies
Just love.
Just love.

I will be pure
No, no, I know i will be pure
Like snow, like gold

-"no lies, just love"
Read 1 burn don't freeze


Mar 27 - 6:57 pm]
alex is cute. :)
Read 1 burn don't freeze

... [

Mar 23 - 1:13 pm]

I have nothing positive to say so I'll spare you from my ranting this time. I'm just very confused right now and it makes me sad. It doesn't help that I probably have mono again too. ugh.

Image hosting by Photobucket

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Read 4 burn don't freeze


Feb 2 - 3:42 am]
It's okay. We all have times where we post things that are undeniably stupid; I just do it more than most.

Hahahahha. I'm a stupid pushover!

If you want actual amusement go to my newest myspace blog. That is quite possibly the most entertaining email I've EVER received.. and all because I took too long to respond. :|
Read 1 burn don't freeze

yesss. [

Jan 29 - 10:45 pm]
[ mood | sick ]

I am finally updating. I can't make any promises that I will continue, but it's not like I have any fans anyway. lol.
School blows. I'm trying so hard to go to class, but it's not working out so well. Oh.. my perfect job which I was in love with is going out of business so I'm getting laid off. I'm having really bad luck lately. :|

Anyone miss me? at all? lol.

Read more...Collapse )

Read 3 burn don't freeze

hello [

Dec 20 - 1:34 pm]
[ mood | loved ]

I guess this is that time when I stop writing in here for a couple months. I've just been really busy with work and currently with finals. (which I probably failed)

I don't really miss the internet either. It's boring. lol.

Read 4 burn don't freeze

blah [

Nov 27 - 2:48 am]
I'm back to working a million hours again AND going to school. I'm going to fail. I'm so fucking miserable. FUCK!
Read 2 burn don't freeze

sorry [

Nov 9 - 11:13 pm]
I know I haven't updated. It's not like anyone comments anyway.. besides a few people.

Anyway, I'm happy.

REALLY happy.

edit: Not so much anymore, someone come hang out with me! lol.
Read 3 burn don't freeze

new requirements for the significant other :) lol. [

Oct 26 - 4:13 pm]
I want someone who is:

1. intelligent, but not a know it all.. that would piss me off because i'm stupid.
2. not excessively clingy, but still affectionate.. they can't be as distant as me or we'd never talk to eachother.
3. actually pays attention when I talk (even if I'm talking about irrelevant pointless bullshit)
4. capable of holding an intelligent, fun conversation.
5. decently attractive with an amazing personality, and a good sense of humor wouldn't hurt either.
6. nonjudgmental... especially about things I've done in the past. (this one is important.. lol)
7. doing something semi-productive with their life, or at least plans to in the future.
8. laid back, but not addicted to 2341852593 drugs. I'm not saying I want someone who is completely straight edge, but if you're doing so many drugs or drinking so much that you can't remember what you said to me the night before... then leave me the fuck alone. (i have a good reason for saying this)
9. not annoying.
10. not condescending.
11. NOT disgustingly older than I am. (i.e. gross old men who stalk me on myspace.. lol)
12. willing to come pick me up. :(
13. capable of taking no for an answer, and won't bug me for hours if I don't feel like hanging out when i have a damn good reason. (especially if it's late.. i go to school at 8 am fuckers) If you don't understand my reasoning when it's that simple, then you're stupid and do not qualify [see above].
14. smart enough to realize I'm joking or being sarcastic 9 out of 10 times I open my mouth, and doesn't try to put me on a guilt trip. (because it won't work, it will just piss me off more)
15. knows that I'm only being quiet because I have nothing to say, and if I have nothing to say.. it's because you are boring.

I'll work on this later. I'm bored, can't you tell?

Read 4 burn don't freeze

. [

Oct 20 - 11:52 am]
I have to write 13 pages for my religion and culture midterm.


apparently i say 'i love you' in italianCollapse )
Read 2 burn don't freeze


Oct 15 - 7:56 pm]

Your Birthdate: January 22

While sometimes employing unorthodox approaches, you are capable of handling large scale undertakings.
You assume great responsibility and work long and hard toward completion.
Often, especially in the early part of life, there is rigidity or stubbornness, and a tendency to repress feelings.

Idealistic, you work for the greater good with a good deal of inner strength and charisma.
An extremely capable organizer, but likely to paint with broad strokes rather than detail.
You are very aware and intuitive.
You are subject to a good deal of nervous tension.

True enough ♥

I suck at expressing emotion, we know this.
Read 2 burn don't freeze

remember when I used to post pictures :) [

Oct 13 - 5:43 pm]
Image hosted by

yay +3Collapse )

Read 3 burn don't freeze

julia gulia [

Sep 25 - 10:02 pm]
I've been talking to my cousin a lot lately. Her name is Jessica, and she has a sister named Julia which just shows how little our families even communicate. I didn't even know she had a sister with my name until she told me last summer (and we're both 19-20). We talk on the phone a lot periodically. I miss her so much. She's basically the best friend I've ever had, and we're pretty much exactly alike. I guess the thing that really separates us now is the fact that she's keeping her baby. Things will never be the same for either of us now, but we made very different decisions. Oh well. There's no going back now.

Anyway, I'm reconsidering moving down there. I didn't get accepted to USC before simply because SC didn't accept my highschool earth science class as real sci. credits; whereas, in NJ it does count. All I need is another college semester and at least a 2.0 gpa to transfer down there. My life would be completely different, and I'd be around the other half of my family; I'd be with the ones I never really got to know. Jess and I hate the fact that we live so far apart. The south is so much different than the north in so many ways, but I could get used to it. Besides, all the guys down there liked my "accent".

The point is.. I need to do something with my life, and that doesn't seem to be happening here. I need to move on eventually. <3
Read 16 burn don't freeze

:( [

Sep 24 - 12:18 pm]
I wish I went away to college. I really need to transfer. I like Rutgers camden, but otherwise my life is really lacking. There isn't anything to stay here for anyway, and everyday when I get up and drive my mom's car to school I'm reminded of the thousand mistakes I've made lately. I don't want to fuck up again, and if I stay here I will. It's inevitable.
burn don't freeze


Sep 22 - 6:20 pm]
Add me if you want. Comment or else I won't notice. ♥

Read 2 burn don't freeze

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